Bella passed away in December 2018. She just turned 11 years old that October.

It was a tough battle because none of my local vets had any idea what they were doing, but had us coming back to their office to try different treatments. With all the trials and errors, we ultimately lost Bella as her health deteriorated and death came knocking at the door.

What made this experience a heartbreaking one wasn’t the death itself. It’s the fact that we unknowingly worsened Bella’s condition, per vets’ orders, and lost the time we could have used to properly heal her.

Below is a letter I wrote the day after her death to cope with the loss. I learned a lot from Bella’s death, and I’m sharing this letter to provide some background information.

Below, I listed the lessons I personally learned from this experience. I hope it helps.

December 10, 2018

I said goodbye to my sweet Bella yesterday night. I am confused, frustrated, and I cannot apologize enough to Bella. She was in so much pain, that I wished 6pm came sooner. This was the time we scheduled the vet to come to our home, and let her go.

All of this started in October 2018. My dog wasn’t able to get up on her own, even if her favorite treats (sweet potatoes) were in front of her. We knew something wasn’t right.

*Celebrating Bella’s 11th Birthday on October 24, 2018*

So we went to our vet and ran a bloodwork test, and it showed that she had slightly elevated kidney levels. The vet said Bella wasn’t able to get up because she had hip dysplasia and arthritis. We were instructed to walk Bella so she wouldn’t lose any more muscle mass. The vet told me there wasn’t anything to worry about. My Mother, god bless her heart, knew this vet was wrong. So, we followed my mother’s instincts and found a second vet.

The second vet said Bella had kidney failure and that she needed IV therapy (fluids to flush out the toxins built up in her kidney) immediately. This would require Bella to stay overnight at the vet’s office. Her kidney levels went down, but we later learned that this overnight stay was just a quick, temporary fix. Bella went home feeling a little better, but settled back to still not being able to get up on her own. And she had more symptoms now. She trembled when laying down now. Her breathing got loud sometimes. I switched vets again because this vet gave her medicine for her arthritis that would essentially destroy her kidneys. She also said to walk Bella so that she wouldn’t lose muscle mass.

*Bella giving my mom kisses during visitation hours (IV fluid treatment at the second vet)*

I decided to go to a third vet. She suspects there’s an underlying cause to her kidney levels. After multiple tests, we found out that she had 2 urinary tract infections (UTIs). We got antibiotics for that. Bella got medication for her “arthritis” and “hip dysplasia”, and we were once again told to walk her so that she doesn’t lose muscle mass.

So we walked her. And changed her diet. And made these drastic changes to address her kidney issues. But each day, she just kept getting worse, and I knew something wasn’t right.

She still couldn’t get up on her own. She yelped in misery now when we picked her up. She collapsed when she was finally able to stand up and struggled to get in just one step. She wasn’t able to swallow her food. Hours later, her back legs became completely paralyzed. It doesn’t take a genius to know that a dog doesn’t become paralyzed within a day or two from just ongoing arthritis and hip dysplasia. Things just keep getting worse by the hour so we went back to the vet. But by then, we all knew things were too late (in just a matter of days).

The vet now suspected that she had a ruptured disc (disc disease). By then, my Bella was in so much pain. It was crazy how these new symptoms would arise with each passing hour. She was no longer able to release herself (pee/poop). She was already paralyzed in her back legs and now her front chest and legs were affected, onwards towards full paralysis of her body. She wasn’t able to move her head or even yawn without being in the worst pain I have seen. Her kidney levels were off the charts. It was clear that this was beyond just kidney disease, hip dysplasia, and arthritis, or whatever all the 3 vets said.

The vet suggested we put Bella on fluids, but she said this would just be a temporary fix. I asked the vet if we can have some privacy to talk between just the family. We were frustrated. Please tell me why we would elect to elongate Bella’s pain by putting her on fluids just for a temporary fix. This is when I knew that this vet wasn’t any different from the 2 previous vets.

I told the vet that the best option would be to stop her from being in pain. In other words, say goodbye to her. She agreed. I became frustrated because it was clear that Bella’s health wasn’t her top priority, otherwise, she would have suggested this latter option initially. I stepped out, and I called Lap of Love, an in-home euthanasia service, to set up an appointment for the following day.

The following day came.

There was no life in Bella’s eyes anymore. She was in so much pain that it was like her soul already left her. She had no fight left. My mom held her until it was time. You could see Bella melt into my mom’s nurturing arms and slowly dissolve within. I could feel Bella’s soul slowly drift away each hour, that I wish 6pm came sooner. The vet from Lap of Love arrived at 6pm, and we eventually said our official goodbyes.

The night before her last day on December 8, 2018

During this battle, I became hopelessly desperate so I emailed all the kidney specialists out there. I was lucky enough to get in contact with many vet specialists from UC Davis— the top veterinary school in the world. They were all so passionate in what they did and emailed me back with so much detail. For those who do not know, these aren’t general vets. These vets that have specialized in a medical area beyond just general medicine. They all agreed that this was something much more complicated than what all 3 vets diagnosed Bella with— something that is beyond just an UTI, kidney disease, arthritis, and hip dysplasia.

They speculated she had diskospondylitis (infection in the bones and disks of the spine) that stemmed from her UTIs that elevated her kidney levels. She must have also had intervertebral disk disease in which they believe a disk became damaged from the UTIs and ruptured secondarily — causing her to be in pain, to not be able to walk anymore, to tremble, to not be able to potty, and so forth.

Had this diagnosis been caught earlier, she should have never been walked. If our first vet only referred us out to a specialist…we would have had the time to be given proper instructions; give Bella the appropriate antibiotics to fight her UTIs along with strict crate confinement. She shouldn't have ever been walked, like all the 3 vets suggested. She should have been confined to strict crate rest for 23.5 hours for 2-4 weeks so that we wouldn’t run the risk of her disc(s) rupturing. I truly believe Bella would have the chance to recover if we caught this on earlier. Nonetheless, I am thankful for the numerous emails the vet specialists sent me. It gave me closure.

I’m so sorry, Bella. I made you change your diet, and force fed you when you just wanted to eat your treats so badly. I made you go on walks, and you tried your best, despite being in so much pain. I failed to find you the right vet, and I just believed in whatever they said when you were clearly suffering. I made you go through a night alone at a vet’s office to receive IV therapy. I should have taken you home and gone to a specialist right away. I’m sorry your final days had to be like this and for everything I did. We will always miss you. You were the best thing to ever happen to us.

This is a very quick glimpse of what her death entailed. It was a long, emotional journey that was full of pain for Bella. Regardless, I learned a lot about the care of a dog, and I plan to drastically change how I take care of my future dogs.

Here’s what I learned.

1. General vet practitioners only know so much. They are just general practitioners.

Ken Jeong mentioned this on his show, You Complete Me, Ho:

“I was a general practitioner, all right? We are the dumbest of all doctors, all right? Like, in general, we knew nothing. We’re stupid, okay? Like, if a patient came up to me and said, “What do I have?” “Well, in general, you’re sick, so I’ll refer you to a specialist.” Do you know what I mean? “I don’t know. See someone else. I’m a day drunk, all right? Welcome to Kaiser.””

— Ken Jeong

Of course general practitioners aren’t stupid (lol), but we know that specialists are the people we go to when we need deeper analysis because general practitioners just know the generic stuff. Likewise, the vet you are seeing is just a general practitioner. Vet general practitioners don’t know shit beyond the basics, and you have to be careful they don’t try to keep you to make bank off of you. Of course, I have to make the disclaimer that I am aware that I am making a major generalization. But to be clear,

A good vet will refer you out to a specialist or make you consider seeing a specialist if it’s beyond a basic diagnosis.

I think general vets are great for basic care, which is why I say they don’t know shit beyond the basics. They know very well about basics, way more than we do. I think of general vets as Google search engines that help you diagnose. So go to them to get your puppy’s vaccinations and a wellness exam. Go to them to get bloodwork done and for minor issues. For complicated issues, know the limits of your general vet and when to seek a vet specialist. A general vet can only do so much, and may try to keep you sticky because that means more money for them.

My neighbor was telling me how their general vet speculated that their dog had a severe case of autoimmune disease. But that vet also said, “And that’s all I can do for you. I don’t know much beyond that, but I know a good specialist. Please see the specialist. '' That’s the type of vet you want to find. I take all my foster dogs to this vet now, and she’s amazing.

2. Speaking of bloodwork, get bloodwork done annually.

Yes, go to those annual checkups. I get my bloodwork done annually just so I know I am healthy and maintaining good levels. It’s part of my preventive care. Likewise, the same should be done especially for your dog. Dog’s cant speak. They can appear happy and fine, but there can be a hidden medical issue that is waiting to explode if left untreated. Those annual check ups and bloodwork tests will speak for them.

3. Get pet insurance as soon as you can or set aside money each month.

I spent about $6,000 on Bella trying to alleviate the issues she was facing with the general vets. I wish I knew about pet insurance before all of this started. Pet insurance is great because the insurance will reimburse you for about 80-95% of the bill, depending on which insurance plan you choose. The insurance doesn’t cover wellness exams (e.g. preventive exams), but will cover just about everything else like hereditary, congenital, and chronic conditions, cancer, emergency care, and so forth. Bella’s UTI’s, kidney disease, and disc rupture would have been covered, for example. Keep note though— you can only enroll your dog in pet insurance if they have no pre-existing conditions. So you basically have to enroll them in the insurance when they are healthy. I wish I enrolled Bella in health insurance the first day I got her at 8 weeks old. A very popular health insurance brand that a lot of people like is Healthy Paws. My neighbor uses this, and they love it.

4. Don’t let your dog jump from couches & beds. Or at least, limit it.

It’s just better to be safe than sorry. Many dogs will develop hip dysplasia and arthritis when they get older. These conditions can be lessened if you limit or prevent your dog from jumping around so much. To make things worse, Bella had fallen from my bed a few months before, and our first vet said she was fine. I don’t think she was fine. I believe this is what caused damages to her disc.

Jumping just isn’t good, period. It creates too much trauma within their joints and spinal chord. I purchased a dog staircase and placed supportive mats around the couch to prevent my current foster dogs from jumping. When Bella kept slipping and collapsing on our wooden floors, we covered the entire house in yoga mats to prevent more trauma to the body.

5. Dog food is fine.

I used to believe that the store bought dog food was pure crap. But I disagree with that now. Reputable dog foods are carefully crafted from vet specialists/nutritionists, and they contain all the necessary nutrients your dog needs. I know plenty of dogs who have lived a long, healthy life with plain old dog food bought from a local animal store. Bella was put on a special diet for her “kidney disease”. Although she had much more than just kidney disease, I had talked to many vet nutritionists. They all explained to me how these dog foods are carefully formulated to meet the dog’s needed nutrients.

If you are going to feed your dog a different diet, such as homemade dog food, you have to make sure that your dog is getting all the necessary nutrients and vitamins. It needs to be thoughtfully formulated.

6. When it’s time to say goodbye to your best friend, please consider in-home euthanasia.

It’s good to think about this as the time gets closer. I decided to put my dog down at the comfort of our own home because I didn’t want to bring Bella back to the vet’s office, especially after all she had been through. So I called Lap of Love, which is an in-home animal euthanasia service. A vet came over to our home, and peacefully let Bella go. It costed around $600 out of pocket. If you wish to say goodbye to your dog at home, I would just keep this in the back of your mind in case you need to budget accordingly. Some local vets offer to come to your home or you can elect a service like I did. I personally think putting a dog down at the vet is fine, but it’s nice to have options.

*Releases a long, relieving sigh*

I really wish dogs lived as long as turtles. I learned a lot from Bella’s death and have been sharing these lessons with my close friends and family. Dealing with a dog’s death is brutal because the dog can’t speak and the whole vet industry is an easy profit-making business. Not to say all vets are in it for the money, but you know.

I know not a lot of us take care of dogs this obsessively, but some of us do treat our dogs like our own family members. Yet, we oddly forget to take care of them, from a medical standpoint, in ways we do for our own health.

I miss Bella dearly. It’s been 8 months since her death, and I’m still very sad that things had to end this way. I’ve been fostering dogs in the meantime, and that has been an uplifting experience.

On the bright side—we had the amazing privilege to grow with Bella these past 11 years. She was the most loving, sensitive, and gentle little dog I have ever met. I remember adopting her when I was in 6th grade. She initially bonded with me since I was on my 2-week winter vacation at that time. Once I went back to school, she became soulmates with my mother. She had a very special connection with my mother and would always gaze into her eyes. She had an obsession for Korean sweet potatoes, and would do anything for a piece of it. She was my 3rd dog in my life, and she was more than just a dog. She was really something special.

Rest In Peace, Bella. We miss you everyday.

6 Things I Learned From My Dog's Death